“I want to die” – How do you respond to that?

Today has been the worst day in quite a while.

My mother feels awful. She is so constipated it hurts. She feels so weak and lies in bed and sleeps much of the day. She cries and feels very low.

When I went over to see her this morning, she told me she wants to die. She does not want to live anymore. She has had enough.

I try to talk some sense into her. Whilst I fully respect her wishes, I think that she needs some grounding. There are drugs helping the constipation. She will get better with the chemo. She has not suffered any side-effects from the chemo. She is a strong and brave woman and has her family living with her and loving her and looking after her.

I feel responsible for everything. I am so exhausted that I cry all day as soon as I turn away from her so she won’t see it. I have to be strong for her but I feel so weak.

How does one respond to your loved one saying they want to die? How do you respond, how would you respond? I am at a loss.


First Chemo

So today was the first chemo. My brave mother sits in a comfy chair, reads, and rests whilst the poison is flowing into her body.

I sit on an uncomfortable stool in that hot and stuffy room and try to work. Not possible.

The doctor comes and talks to us about all possible side-effects. It is the same doctor that discharged my mother without medication and without telling her what to do. She had to get the stitches removed – we were not sure about that. She had to continue taking blood pressure drugs – we were not told. Not too good a start.

After 3 hours I drive her home. She rests and has a nap. This is to be continued for 18 weeks.

I have a filthy headache.

I have decided to write honestly about my experience without feeling guilty that I moan whilst not being the patient getting the dreaded chemo. I would never tell my mother nor let her read this. She does not have a computer so she wouldn’t anyway.

The Journey Begins (Yet Again)

I am the relative of a cancer patient. Cancer does not only affect the patient but the people living with the patient and caring for the patient. This is my journey.

My mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 4 years ago. She had the operation to remove her ovaries and 18 weekly chemotherapy sessions. She is 80 years old.

She became breathless and has swollen feet and lower legs. Her state of health deteriorated quickly in the last three weeks and she will start another round of chemotherapy on 23 February 2018.

This blog is about my journey as a cancer relative. I have to be strong when I feel weak, sad and scared. I also have to fight the cancer although I am not the patient.

Tonight is the last night before the journey starts yet again.